we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
