i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
