Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
As shirtless as possible
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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