3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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