how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize