Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
