Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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