Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
