Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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