Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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