I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Terrible idea I love it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
