I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
