I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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