Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
