Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize