I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
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