I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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