A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You are the jesus of drinking
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
