Apparently you make a good broom.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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