My boss' voice literally gives me gas
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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