1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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