someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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