Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
