she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
