Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
