What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
