I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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