I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
