Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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