Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sorry about my life...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
