remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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