Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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