Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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