She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
