Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
