WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
