omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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