Will you blow on my dice?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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