sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
