I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
