Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
