sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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