remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
