I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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