Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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