If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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