Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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