I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize