You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
