fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize