i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
