She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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