When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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