I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
