its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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