I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
