can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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